Story to tell....

so its been a really long time since I blogged, and I have been feeling kind of crappy recently, so I thought if I blogged I'd pull myself out of my funk.

Eighteen years ago, Shayne and I went to a RUSH concert together, we had one child, were broke, and had lawn seats. At the concert, he danced with me, and told me he loved me and was happy.

So Saturday night, we went to the RUSH concert, and we took all the kids with us. We had four children, we're broke still, and again had lawn seats. Then at the concert he danced with me and whispered in my ear that he loved me. I laughed when we were done, and said, "Shayne, do you realize we are now the OLD people here?" And we were the parents embarrassing, yet making out kids proud at the same time...it was a great feeling.

Ya know a friend of mine when I told her the story laughed about it. And at first I was impositioned, and it dawned on me that she didn't understand us, or my husband, and that was ok. Personally, at that moment, all the "good, bad, and ugly" set aside of the past 18 years (we all have it) I was grateful to my husband, my children, and God for giving me the life we have right now. I wished we had a "bigger bank account," and that I didn't need to fix a rim on the van, or worry about college, but that's life, and those are the things that we all have to deal with. So at this moment I am choosing to focus on those "moments" that touch my, and only my heart. Those are the memories I have to hold onto forever. I hope in 18 years, that Shayne and I are, not as broke LOL, but sitting in lawn seats with our children, their spouses, and their children watching a concert, and that maybe, just maybe I'll still be footing (at least able too) the bill for them all.

Over a Month since I blogged....

where does time go? I mean today I woke up READY TO GO. I have been drowning in my life. No its not my husband, its not my kids, its me. Ya know some days I am so organized its like a fine tuned machine, then other days...holy shit its like from zero to a category 5 hurricane has been let loose....no not clutter or laundry, although they suck so bad. No, its me. So I have been struggling with who I am, who I want to be, what the hell happened? And here is what I have come up with:

I am some days just not happy. On any given day it can be I'm tired of being fat...make changes, I hate my hair...make changes. I don't like the laundry....do it, I don't like my kids...oh that's not allowed LOL but some days I do not like them. I get mad at Shayne cause I want him to understand, but after 40 years as a woman, I do realize that men just don't think or see things the same way we do. That is not to say they don't have their own struggles that we as women can't understand, cause they do. But right now I really need to focus on me.

I have to accept that like it or not I am not sure who I am or what I want. By that I mean, I am a mother, a daughter, a wife, a sister, a friend, but is that all I am? Should I be something else? My friend ask me the other day "what are you gonna do?" Now we were talking about school and work, not that KD is in school, and goodness knows Shayne doesn't make enough for me to be a "Housewife of Virginia" ROFL, but I can accept that. What I can't accept is not knowing what I want to do. I mean at 40 years old 17 yrs out of the workforce (the odd and end jobs don't really amount to much over the years) I so don't want to go to McDonald's to flip burgers with the teenagers. Its ok too, I have accepted that, but my degree won't get me too far with the economy the way it is, I mean teaching jobs are getting cut everywhere. The dream of being a writer, well its a dream, and someday, maybe, just maybe I'll be able to find the strength to submit anything I have done...but not today. So I looked at the job market, researched schools, and realized (thank you my dear sister) that Nursing or Physical Therapy is the quickest way out of school with a degree that will move with us, and actually make a couple dollars more than minimum wage. So that is what I am doing. I have applied (and got accepted) to nursing school, and the plan is to start in the fall. At some point in the next 2 years, Shayne, Osten, and I will all be in college...OMG that sucks.

So now its time to focus on the short term "goals" or "problems" that I can fix immediately and see some changes. So this morning, I got up, got dressed (yes only shorts and slippers, but they aren't pajamas) and put on a bra and make up. Holy shit I look presentable, even did a few swipes with the curling iron to see that I really do need a hair cut LOL. I dwell on things that are really NOT issues, I forget the be the person I WANT to be. I guess that sometimes I find that its easier to fix the surface issues and not the underlying problems. So today (and hopefully tomorrow and the day after) I am on a mission. Just one thing at a time, and maybe just maybe changing/fixing one thing, will push me to fix the next one. I also have realized that no one can fix me, but me, and that the big issues I have will still be big tomorrow, but if I can "grab my boot straps" and start fixing some of the "small" things I will eventually find my way through the fog in my head. I WILL be the person I WANT to be, I just have to figure out who that is...and I didn't get to this place over night, so like my weight I won't fix it over night. If I can accept that, I can and will move forward.

Where is your "life journey" taking you, look inside of yourself today, and do an inventory....see, just see how you fair.

Pictures....

Ya know today was ANOTHER eye opening moment in my life. I was looking to change my Facebook picture and realized that there are little to no pictures of me.

Well my first excuse was "its cause I'm always behind the camera." Which for the most part is true. But then I thought about the fact that I have this one friend who is always commenting on my smile and saying things like you look happy, and it forced me to look at the few shots I do have and I realized something.....yep I hate my picture taken. Its like dental surgery when I HAVE to have my picture taken, so I do that FORCED, or FAKE smile. Always makes me mad when my friend says what she says and it dawned on me that she's right. No one would know if I was happy in my pictures, because I NEVER get in them.

So now I am stuck with the thoughts that if, God forbid, I died tomorrow that my kids would have no pictures of me, and it made me sad. So I am on a mission...and its a big one:

I need to accept that like it or not I am currently not as pretty as I would like to be, and I am not skinny, but this is who I am (at this moment) so I need to embrace who I am and STOP being ASHAMED to get my picture taken. I guess in my mind if I am NOT in the picture then I dont' have to once again feel bad that the diet/exercise program I am on isn't moving as fast as I want it too. I am on the right path, but its not an overnight thing, so I will get in pictues with my kids, and my husband, and I will try to start loving myself more.

See I told you it was a BIG mission....but I'm a Navy wife I can do ANYTHING I set my mind too. I promise to post when I get some shots LOL.

If you could....

....do anything in your life what would that be? I want that one DREAM, that you always saw yourself doing. Remember this dream could be a job, an activity/hobby, or anything. None of the stuff that enters our decision making realm can apply here. It is just the ONE thing you DREAMED of doing your whole life.

For me it was writing. I love to write, and it makes me happy when others read my stuff. However I am a big sissy when it comes to submitting anything to anyone. I'm safe here on my blogs, I can write what I think or feel or believe and readers can judge, but its still my blog. If I were to submit any of my writings OFFICIALLY, I stand the chance of being told "I suck" or better yet "keep your day job." Yep for me I wished I could find the inner strength to "Just do it" (thanks Nike for the line).

So tell me its a new year, a new decade and everyday is a new chance to be or do something else that we thought of or dreamed of....The sky is the limit for ALL of us.

Its time....

2010 is here and it came in with such AMAZING moments. I spent it with my SIL and BIL in the snow in Ohio, and loved it. I also logged onto Facebook and found an email from a friend who went MIA from our family's life a while ago, and he is our older son's Godfather, so we've been trying to reconnect, and who was the email from...yep that friend.

Ya know God works in mysterious ways, and I'm ready to accept and not question as much as I have in the past. Today I spent a couple hours talking to my sister and its been months since we had a the time to really sit and talk.

I have scheduled my upcoming DR's appts, and I am finally taking hold of the thyroid issue. Yep I am hitting the ground running this year. There will be NO MORE DRAMA in my life, and if the people involved with that can't respect that I don't want it there, then maybe some (re) evaluation all the way around is needed...who knows.

I am NOT gonna be positive everyday, that's CRAZY to think I could be. However that being said I am gonna "stop and smell the roses" a little bit more. I love my life, but don't like everything in it, so what do we tell our kids "don't like it, then either deal with it, or make changes" so for me I will deal or make changes. I want to enjoy my life, I want to live IN the moment not FOR the moment. And I refuse this year to wish it away. I mean I spend so many days "waiting, and wishing" for the week-end or the next vacation day, or whatever, that I realized I am wishing my life away, and at 40 yrs old, that isn't a great idea anymore.

This last year:

• a friend lost her husband, and a I am in awe of her beauty, determination, and strength, she is AMAZING.


• I made a friend, or keeps me grounded and I keep her grounded at times....she is the epitimy of what a best friend would be if we labeled each other that....she and I found each other when dealing with something else in our lives.


• I had a fight with my mom,


• spoke to my grandparents for the 1st time in 5 years,


• saw a new baby,


• Lost friend who I had for years,


• learned some HARD life lessons,


• realized that being right and knowing it is way better than saying "I told you so" thats kind of bitchy LOL.


• I renewed my wedding vows on an island with my husband


• I applied for school


• I watched my children struggle without their dad home again for 1/2 the year while he deployed, and we survived it all.

Life is exactly like Forest Gump says "its a box of chocolates" and this year I refuse to not enjoy each one. Happy 2010 my friends...I hope it finds you full of joy, love, happiness, and only good things.

2010.....

In a few more days most of us will make New Years Resolutions...and a few weeks later we'll forget them. This year I challenge each of us to make a resolution that ENHANCES our lives not necessarily CHANGES it. So what will you do this year?

I have decided that this year I will

• declutter the crap from my life (literally and figuratively)
• eliminate the drama
• accept that I can only control myself and not the world around me
• smile a lot more than I did in 2009 (and don't be mistaken I did have many things to smile about)

I will also add the NORMAL resolutions to my list. And they include

• exercise
• diet
• get healthier (yes at 40 I have a responsiblity to me, do watch out Doc here I come for those baselines and annuals YUCK)
  

As I look at this HUGE list and realize that more than one item on my list means a failure is probably likely. But ya know what this year instead of failing and walking away and tossing my hands up in the air, I am going to TRY, TRY, TRY again. Making a resolution doesn't mean I will accomplish it on the first try...heck if I had they wouldn't be on my list again this year would they? I want to quit being reactive in my life and start being proactive in the life I live.

Here it is....

a few days before Christmas, and I find myself in awe. No not of the lights, and peace to mankind, or kindness, or even love. No I am in awe of the fact that there are truly people out there who believe that the Solar system MUST revolve around them. Now I do believe it is a PROVEN fact that it revolves around the sun, but I could be mistaken.

Anyway, some changes in my life over the past few months....

• I am down (double digits) in weight....can't tell the TRUE amount as its a SURPRISE for my family next Thanksgiving when I see them all...I'm old its all I have for SHOCK value now LOL


• I got a GREAT hair cut...its SHORTER...but not as short as years past.


• I am taking a bit more interest in MYSELF. Ya know I have been blessed to be a SAHM for a really LONG time, and sort of got lost in that job, and forgot about me.


• and finally (refer to previous paragraph) I can NOT change anyone, or anyone's behavior. I honestly can only control mine. A LONG time ago someone I love tons, told me "you let people hurt your feelings..control what you can and forget the rest" and I thought huh you have no idea what you are talking about...but guess what...they were 100% right....I can ONLY control me and how I feel...NO ONE else is going to do that.

Ok so its not A LOT of changes but it is something more than I have done in the past few years. I forgot or lost WHO I was, and who I AM...but I have a NEW lease on ME, and I am going full steam ahead. I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings. And for those of you out there who BELIEVE you are all that and a bag of chips...Good for you, but forgive me if I don't fall to my knees in admiration of your behavior...we can still be friends, but I gotta make life about me for a change.