where does time go? I mean today I woke up READY TO GO. I have been drowning in my life. No its not my husband, its not my kids, its me. Ya know some days I am so organized its like a fine tuned machine, then other days...holy shit its like from zero to a category 5 hurricane has been let loose....no not clutter or laundry, although they suck so bad. No, its me. So I have been struggling with who I am, who I want to be, what the hell happened? And here is what I have come up with:
I am some days just not happy. On any given day it can be I'm tired of being fat...make changes, I hate my hair...make changes. I don't like the laundry....do it, I don't like my kids...oh that's not allowed LOL but some days I do not like them. I get mad at Shayne cause I want him to understand, but after 40 years as a woman, I do realize that men just don't think or see things the same way we do. That is not to say they don't have their own struggles that we as women can't understand, cause they do. But right now I really need to focus on me.
I have to accept that like it or not I am not sure who I am or what I want. By that I mean, I am a mother, a daughter, a wife, a sister, a friend, but is that all I am? Should I be something else? My friend ask me the other day "what are you gonna do?" Now we were talking about school and work, not that KD is in school, and goodness knows Shayne doesn't make enough for me to be a "Housewife of Virginia" ROFL, but I can accept that. What I can't accept is not knowing what I want to do. I mean at 40 years old 17 yrs out of the workforce (the odd and end jobs don't really amount to much over the years) I so don't want to go to McDonald's to flip burgers with the teenagers. Its ok too, I have accepted that, but my degree won't get me too far with the economy the way it is, I mean teaching jobs are getting cut everywhere. The dream of being a writer, well its a dream, and someday, maybe, just maybe I'll be able to find the strength to submit anything I have done...but not today. So I looked at the job market, researched schools, and realized (thank you my dear sister) that Nursing or Physical Therapy is the quickest way out of school with a degree that will move with us, and actually make a couple dollars more than minimum wage. So that is what I am doing. I have applied (and got accepted) to nursing school, and the plan is to start in the fall. At some point in the next 2 years, Shayne, Osten, and I will all be in college...OMG that sucks.
So now its time to focus on the short term "goals" or "problems" that I can fix immediately and see some changes. So this morning, I got up, got dressed (yes only shorts and slippers, but they aren't pajamas) and put on a bra and make up. Holy shit I look presentable, even did a few swipes with the curling iron to see that I really do need a hair cut LOL. I dwell on things that are really NOT issues, I forget the be the person I WANT to be. I guess that sometimes I find that its easier to fix the surface issues and not the underlying problems. So today (and hopefully tomorrow and the day after) I am on a mission. Just one thing at a time, and maybe just maybe changing/fixing one thing, will push me to fix the next one. I also have realized that no one can fix me, but me, and that the big issues I have will still be big tomorrow, but if I can "grab my boot straps" and start fixing some of the "small" things I will eventually find my way through the fog in my head. I WILL be the person I WANT to be, I just have to figure out who that is...and I didn't get to this place over night, so like my weight I won't fix it over night. If I can accept that, I can and will move forward.
Where is your "life journey" taking you, look inside of yourself today, and do an inventory....see, just see how you fair.
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