Pictures....

Ya know today was ANOTHER eye opening moment in my life. I was looking to change my Facebook picture and realized that there are little to no pictures of me.

Well my first excuse was "its cause I'm always behind the camera." Which for the most part is true. But then I thought about the fact that I have this one friend who is always commenting on my smile and saying things like you look happy, and it forced me to look at the few shots I do have and I realized something.....yep I hate my picture taken. Its like dental surgery when I HAVE to have my picture taken, so I do that FORCED, or FAKE smile. Always makes me mad when my friend says what she says and it dawned on me that she's right. No one would know if I was happy in my pictures, because I NEVER get in them.

So now I am stuck with the thoughts that if, God forbid, I died tomorrow that my kids would have no pictures of me, and it made me sad. So I am on a mission...and its a big one:

I need to accept that like it or not I am currently not as pretty as I would like to be, and I am not skinny, but this is who I am (at this moment) so I need to embrace who I am and STOP being ASHAMED to get my picture taken. I guess in my mind if I am NOT in the picture then I dont' have to once again feel bad that the diet/exercise program I am on isn't moving as fast as I want it too. I am on the right path, but its not an overnight thing, so I will get in pictues with my kids, and my husband, and I will try to start loving myself more.

See I told you it was a BIG mission....but I'm a Navy wife I can do ANYTHING I set my mind too. I promise to post when I get some shots LOL.

If you could....

....do anything in your life what would that be? I want that one DREAM, that you always saw yourself doing. Remember this dream could be a job, an activity/hobby, or anything. None of the stuff that enters our decision making realm can apply here. It is just the ONE thing you DREAMED of doing your whole life.

For me it was writing. I love to write, and it makes me happy when others read my stuff. However I am a big sissy when it comes to submitting anything to anyone. I'm safe here on my blogs, I can write what I think or feel or believe and readers can judge, but its still my blog. If I were to submit any of my writings OFFICIALLY, I stand the chance of being told "I suck" or better yet "keep your day job." Yep for me I wished I could find the inner strength to "Just do it" (thanks Nike for the line).

So tell me its a new year, a new decade and everyday is a new chance to be or do something else that we thought of or dreamed of....The sky is the limit for ALL of us.

Its time....

2010 is here and it came in with such AMAZING moments. I spent it with my SIL and BIL in the snow in Ohio, and loved it. I also logged onto Facebook and found an email from a friend who went MIA from our family's life a while ago, and he is our older son's Godfather, so we've been trying to reconnect, and who was the email from...yep that friend.

Ya know God works in mysterious ways, and I'm ready to accept and not question as much as I have in the past. Today I spent a couple hours talking to my sister and its been months since we had a the time to really sit and talk.

I have scheduled my upcoming DR's appts, and I am finally taking hold of the thyroid issue. Yep I am hitting the ground running this year. There will be NO MORE DRAMA in my life, and if the people involved with that can't respect that I don't want it there, then maybe some (re) evaluation all the way around is needed...who knows.

I am NOT gonna be positive everyday, that's CRAZY to think I could be. However that being said I am gonna "stop and smell the roses" a little bit more. I love my life, but don't like everything in it, so what do we tell our kids "don't like it, then either deal with it, or make changes" so for me I will deal or make changes. I want to enjoy my life, I want to live IN the moment not FOR the moment. And I refuse this year to wish it away. I mean I spend so many days "waiting, and wishing" for the week-end or the next vacation day, or whatever, that I realized I am wishing my life away, and at 40 yrs old, that isn't a great idea anymore.

This last year:

• a friend lost her husband, and a I am in awe of her beauty, determination, and strength, she is AMAZING.


• I made a friend, or keeps me grounded and I keep her grounded at times....she is the epitimy of what a best friend would be if we labeled each other that....she and I found each other when dealing with something else in our lives.


• I had a fight with my mom,


• spoke to my grandparents for the 1st time in 5 years,


• saw a new baby,


• Lost friend who I had for years,


• learned some HARD life lessons,


• realized that being right and knowing it is way better than saying "I told you so" thats kind of bitchy LOL.


• I renewed my wedding vows on an island with my husband


• I applied for school


• I watched my children struggle without their dad home again for 1/2 the year while he deployed, and we survived it all.

Life is exactly like Forest Gump says "its a box of chocolates" and this year I refuse to not enjoy each one. Happy 2010 my friends...I hope it finds you full of joy, love, happiness, and only good things.

2010.....

In a few more days most of us will make New Years Resolutions...and a few weeks later we'll forget them. This year I challenge each of us to make a resolution that ENHANCES our lives not necessarily CHANGES it. So what will you do this year?

I have decided that this year I will

• declutter the crap from my life (literally and figuratively)
• eliminate the drama
• accept that I can only control myself and not the world around me
• smile a lot more than I did in 2009 (and don't be mistaken I did have many things to smile about)

I will also add the NORMAL resolutions to my list. And they include

• exercise
• diet
• get healthier (yes at 40 I have a responsiblity to me, do watch out Doc here I come for those baselines and annuals YUCK)
  

As I look at this HUGE list and realize that more than one item on my list means a failure is probably likely. But ya know what this year instead of failing and walking away and tossing my hands up in the air, I am going to TRY, TRY, TRY again. Making a resolution doesn't mean I will accomplish it on the first try...heck if I had they wouldn't be on my list again this year would they? I want to quit being reactive in my life and start being proactive in the life I live.

Here it is....

a few days before Christmas, and I find myself in awe. No not of the lights, and peace to mankind, or kindness, or even love. No I am in awe of the fact that there are truly people out there who believe that the Solar system MUST revolve around them. Now I do believe it is a PROVEN fact that it revolves around the sun, but I could be mistaken.

Anyway, some changes in my life over the past few months....

• I am down (double digits) in weight....can't tell the TRUE amount as its a SURPRISE for my family next Thanksgiving when I see them all...I'm old its all I have for SHOCK value now LOL


• I got a GREAT hair cut...its SHORTER...but not as short as years past.


• I am taking a bit more interest in MYSELF. Ya know I have been blessed to be a SAHM for a really LONG time, and sort of got lost in that job, and forgot about me.


• and finally (refer to previous paragraph) I can NOT change anyone, or anyone's behavior. I honestly can only control mine. A LONG time ago someone I love tons, told me "you let people hurt your feelings..control what you can and forget the rest" and I thought huh you have no idea what you are talking about...but guess what...they were 100% right....I can ONLY control me and how I feel...NO ONE else is going to do that.

Ok so its not A LOT of changes but it is something more than I have done in the past few years. I forgot or lost WHO I was, and who I AM...but I have a NEW lease on ME, and I am going full steam ahead. I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings. And for those of you out there who BELIEVE you are all that and a bag of chips...Good for you, but forgive me if I don't fall to my knees in admiration of your behavior...we can still be friends, but I gotta make life about me for a change.

Back to the Work Force.....

.....Its OFFICIAL, I started applying for work. I have already stopped at the New Cracker Barrel, and Wal-mart (seasonal is all they offer right now, but still applied). I am gonna head out to Starbucks, and a few other places this week. I also am gonna apply to be a sub with the school system, since I do have a degree, even though its not teaching, at least I can sub. I do only want part-time right now since I still have to be available to get the kids to and from activities, and on and off the bus. But it will be kinda nice to get out with ADULTS again...been a long time for me.

For my SAHM friends, I know you wanna know why I'm going, and its for these reasons:

• It was the agreement with hubby when the kids all went to school I'd go back


• I am a crappy housekeeper so if I'm out there working, then it kind of null and voids SOME of the mess LOL


• Finally I really want to see a paycheck...and minimal as it maybe in my own name.

Ya know Shayne has NEVER made an issue out of it and really hasn't yet, but I gotta get out there again, and I am scared...crazy I know, but its been a LONG, time since I have done this in the real world.

I also made a HUGE decision, I am going back to school....I so wished I had the strength to be a nurse then the job market would be a lot more lucrative for me and it would be a HUGE increase in pay for this household LOL but I am really scared to go do it....I don't think I can....but we'll see.

I never thought I'd be scared to go to work, but it feels like its been FOREVER since I have been out there, God give me the strength to do this.

It never ends...

...ya know at 40...yes I am finally the big 40 LOL and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be 20 yrs ago LOL. Anyway, I will say I have found myself looking back over my life and there have been some really GREAT memories in my life....and I know I'm supposed to be THANKFUL for even the bad, but there are somethings I am so...so.....I don't even have the words to describe how shocked I am by some stuff.

Ya know I have made many WONDERFUL, and LIFE LONG friends. I will tell you that I have lost, forgotten and decided not to keep some people I THOUGHT were my friends, and there is always a reason for everything. In high school there was always the teenage drama, and the stealing of others boyfriends/girlfriends, and dates, and dances, and a few big fibs to parents about times/places....but all in all it was teenage stuff, and I BELIEVED we'd all grow up and none of that crap would exist anymore.

Well to my surprise, I have found that the drama and what not never goes away, it just turns into bigger, and usually stupider issues. I look as people and wonder why or even how they can stand all the crap swirling around them....then I realized, as much as I hate that CHAOS in my life, there are apparently some people who NEED/WANT/HAVE TO HAVE it in their lives to survive....makes me sad that the stress they must have associated with all that crap eats them alive, but I guess you can't help people who don't' want to be helped.

I am happy with my life...now don't get confused and think its all a bed of roses, it isn't , but I have found that remembering WHO and WHAT is truly important in your life helps eliminate the chaos and drama. Sometimes there are hard decisions that have to be made in order to get too or stay chaos free, but they are necessary decisions. I have accepted that I have a LOUD family, and we LOVE to eat, my house is not my dream home, but what I love on my budget, my cars, although I LOVE hubby's mustang, the mom mobile, well eventually it'll be something else LOL, and that my bills are paid, and we only have a little breathing room left, but some how that is truly more than enough for me. I once heard a rumor that someone said "oh she makes it like they are never suffering when she talks" and that person was right, I do, because we aren't suffering, yeah the 1st of the month SUCKS, but I know in two weeks I have some extra for a few dinners out.

So my first blog back after months isn't as Pollyanna as I would have liked it to be, but in a round-a-bout way its a THANKFUL kind of post...I mean I am thankful for my family, the friends I have close to me right now, and for all the material things I didn't think I ever wanted LOL. I am happy my husband fights for our country, and that he is home safe this year. I am thankful that my kids (aspergers and adhd included) are my kids, cause NO ONE else could raise them they way that we can....and no one would love them like we do.

Look around your life, and "declutter" it. If you have to have all the chaos to survive then its ok too, but remember its easier to smile in a clean home (life) than a dirty one. Happy November gang.