Letter to my Son on Senior night....

To my oldest son,

I can't imagine what my life would have been like without your beautiful face in it. Almost 18 years ago, I knew, deep down inside that you would be the light of my life. I would give up anything for you, and tomorrow night as your dad and I walk down to the field with you for Senior Night, know that no matter where you are, or what you do, that we are so proud of you, and we will always be here for you, even to do laundry and cook when you come back home (and we know I hate cooking LOL).

I have treasured the last 12 years of football, the injuries, the smelly cleats, the forgotten pads I had to run out to school, and your strength to just "keep going" even when I know you wanted to stop some nights. You may never walk onto another football field again, but know that you have made a difference in all our lives when we think of your heart. It is truly the heart of a warrior...well a Bulldog (even though you've been a Beaver, a Dolphin, a Cardinal and now a Bulldog).

I am going to try very hard to not embarrass you by having mascara running down my face tomorrow night, but notice I didn't promise LOL. You have made me so proud, and as hard as it will feel in my heart next week when the game clock goes to 0:00 for the last time, I will try very hard to look forward to the joys and adventures you are going to have, and hopefully still share us.

Enjoy this, and know (what you will need to remind me of next week) is that this is not the end, its truly just the beginning. I love you so much Osten, thank you for being you.

Back in the game...

ya know sometimes the game of life "knocks you on your butt" and the older I get the harder it seems to get back up and back in the game. But yesterday was IT for me. I am not sure exactly what woke me up and made me REFOCUS, but thank God it happened. No I'm not doing everything the way I should be, or I did, and it'll take me awhile to FIND that schedule that I used to love so much....but I am on a mission to find ME.

I am going to find ME in the mess of bills, laundry, mundane duties, broken cars and dishwashers, and flash flood warnings. Yep somewhere in there is the person I believe I am. No, not the skinny one who I wished would just beat the hell out of the fat girl and be THIN again, but the one who enjoys life, and has a mission, and feels like herself....yeah that's the one I want.

So the downstairs is straightened up, the laundry is in, dishes are done, and meat is out thawing for dinner. I have had my coffee, and I am going to watch a movie, and work on my homework. Who truly knows how hard it is at 40 to go back to school and be a mom, and do our jobs (even if mine is paid in smiles and complaining kids LOL)?

Last night I came home and said I need a family meeting...said what I needed and then dismissed everyone....it dawned on me at about midnight it wasn't a meeting so much as me having something to say, and I wanted them all in one place to say it....so Thank you my kids and hubby for allowing me to get it out, and voice my issues, even if I did do it from my lecturing podium LOL. You are the most amazing people in the entire world and I am grateful for each of you every single day of my life.

Today I will accomplish something FOR ME, even if its a bubble bath to shave my legs...it will be in a clean tub (as soon as I get it cleaned LOL) with a new razor and the "gel" shaving cream....with a nice cup of coffee and a smelly candle....that should get me moving on that tub now LOL. What will you accomplish for YOU today?

When it rains....

....it pours. Is there some law that says when one thing (you can't afford to fix) breaks, so does everything else? I know, I know, Murphy's Law....but how about cutting some slack for a mom, in school on a budget that doesn't allow for any major issues LOL.

That being said, I need to:

• fix the tire rim (yes still),
• get two new tires (well used ones LOL they are cheaper),
• call Frigidaire to fix the water pump on my diswasher,
• finish fixing the darn toilet (yes still)
• then paint my daughters room,
• get her a new mattress,
• fix the tiles in the boys room (thank you babies for having the ability to peel and break 6 stick down tiles LOL)
• Figure out a way to pay the bills with the husband's paycheck (while I pray to hit the Lottery)

and this isn't even my daily list of stuff to do? Or all the MAJOR things that need done before the family comes to visit for son's graduation in June. Where oh where is my Fairy Godmother with her bank account, and her "you are skinny" wand? Well I would love someone to find her and send her here to my house SUPER FAST.

Off to finish picking up, lighting the wonderful carmel pecan candles, and then drink a great cup of coffee, and maybe it will all FEEL better...even if it isn't before the bus drops off my pride and joy(s) from school.

Still amazes me....

....that there is actually a list of challenged/banned books in this country. Being back in school and finishing my English degree has me thinking about how many books there are out there to read, and how many books are no longer accessible to us, or our children. There are many books on this list, that I might have no interest in at all, but I don't believe they should be banned or off library shelves.

Did you realize in some places in the U.S. Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary has been pulled of shelves (10 books you might not expect to be banned)? Kind of sad to even think about now isn't it. Oh and it was pulled for the definition of "Oral Sex." I'm not sure that the definition is so much worse than what our kids can find on television. Anyway, I am including the link to the original article, and the link to the top 100 banned/challenged books.

Even if you don't have an opinion about this, its interesting to see what is on the list that you actually read throughout your life.

Being a mom....

....for my entire life all I ever truly wanted to be was a really good mom. Some days I actually "think" I am. But other days, phew I just stink. With the first two boys I was on them like white on rice, and now with the little ones, I some days feel I am so "busy" running with the older ones, that they get lost in the shuffle. I am exhausted every moment, and now I am trying to go to school and finish so I can get a flippen job...where I will mesh that in I don 't know, but I NEED too.

So today as I look around my house, I realize I have to start getting MORE done, I mean, and I have to do better. The question is, where do I find that "inner drive to do it?" Does anyone know if its on clearance somewhere? I mean take for example my weight, I so WANT to be skinnier, and I get on a roll and do well, then something happens (this time surgery) and I quit doing what I'm doing, and I am back to ground zero.

So today I am going to PRIORITIZE my life and get my butt in gear....

1. call DR tomorrow AM to set up appt to discuss "weighty" issue LOL

2. Get house cleaning schedule back in place (no avoiding it anymore)

3. Laundry caught up AND put away this time

4. Homework schedule for ALL of us ENFORCED

5. Remind my husband and kids how much I love them

If I can get these things in place life will allow me to breathe a bit more "I THINK." Any other ideas and encouragement is always welcome. Thanks for letting me vent my blogger friends.

Story to tell....

so its been a really long time since I blogged, and I have been feeling kind of crappy recently, so I thought if I blogged I'd pull myself out of my funk.

Eighteen years ago, Shayne and I went to a RUSH concert together, we had one child, were broke, and had lawn seats. At the concert, he danced with me, and told me he loved me and was happy.

So Saturday night, we went to the RUSH concert, and we took all the kids with us. We had four children, we're broke still, and again had lawn seats. Then at the concert he danced with me and whispered in my ear that he loved me. I laughed when we were done, and said, "Shayne, do you realize we are now the OLD people here?" And we were the parents embarrassing, yet making out kids proud at the same time...it was a great feeling.

Ya know a friend of mine when I told her the story laughed about it. And at first I was impositioned, and it dawned on me that she didn't understand us, or my husband, and that was ok. Personally, at that moment, all the "good, bad, and ugly" set aside of the past 18 years (we all have it) I was grateful to my husband, my children, and God for giving me the life we have right now. I wished we had a "bigger bank account," and that I didn't need to fix a rim on the van, or worry about college, but that's life, and those are the things that we all have to deal with. So at this moment I am choosing to focus on those "moments" that touch my, and only my heart. Those are the memories I have to hold onto forever. I hope in 18 years, that Shayne and I are, not as broke LOL, but sitting in lawn seats with our children, their spouses, and their children watching a concert, and that maybe, just maybe I'll still be footing (at least able too) the bill for them all.

Over a Month since I blogged....

where does time go? I mean today I woke up READY TO GO. I have been drowning in my life. No its not my husband, its not my kids, its me. Ya know some days I am so organized its like a fine tuned machine, then other days...holy shit its like from zero to a category 5 hurricane has been let loose....no not clutter or laundry, although they suck so bad. No, its me. So I have been struggling with who I am, who I want to be, what the hell happened? And here is what I have come up with:

I am some days just not happy. On any given day it can be I'm tired of being fat...make changes, I hate my hair...make changes. I don't like the laundry....do it, I don't like my kids...oh that's not allowed LOL but some days I do not like them. I get mad at Shayne cause I want him to understand, but after 40 years as a woman, I do realize that men just don't think or see things the same way we do. That is not to say they don't have their own struggles that we as women can't understand, cause they do. But right now I really need to focus on me.

I have to accept that like it or not I am not sure who I am or what I want. By that I mean, I am a mother, a daughter, a wife, a sister, a friend, but is that all I am? Should I be something else? My friend ask me the other day "what are you gonna do?" Now we were talking about school and work, not that KD is in school, and goodness knows Shayne doesn't make enough for me to be a "Housewife of Virginia" ROFL, but I can accept that. What I can't accept is not knowing what I want to do. I mean at 40 years old 17 yrs out of the workforce (the odd and end jobs don't really amount to much over the years) I so don't want to go to McDonald's to flip burgers with the teenagers. Its ok too, I have accepted that, but my degree won't get me too far with the economy the way it is, I mean teaching jobs are getting cut everywhere. The dream of being a writer, well its a dream, and someday, maybe, just maybe I'll be able to find the strength to submit anything I have done...but not today. So I looked at the job market, researched schools, and realized (thank you my dear sister) that Nursing or Physical Therapy is the quickest way out of school with a degree that will move with us, and actually make a couple dollars more than minimum wage. So that is what I am doing. I have applied (and got accepted) to nursing school, and the plan is to start in the fall. At some point in the next 2 years, Shayne, Osten, and I will all be in college...OMG that sucks.

So now its time to focus on the short term "goals" or "problems" that I can fix immediately and see some changes. So this morning, I got up, got dressed (yes only shorts and slippers, but they aren't pajamas) and put on a bra and make up. Holy shit I look presentable, even did a few swipes with the curling iron to see that I really do need a hair cut LOL. I dwell on things that are really NOT issues, I forget the be the person I WANT to be. I guess that sometimes I find that its easier to fix the surface issues and not the underlying problems. So today (and hopefully tomorrow and the day after) I am on a mission. Just one thing at a time, and maybe just maybe changing/fixing one thing, will push me to fix the next one. I also have realized that no one can fix me, but me, and that the big issues I have will still be big tomorrow, but if I can "grab my boot straps" and start fixing some of the "small" things I will eventually find my way through the fog in my head. I WILL be the person I WANT to be, I just have to figure out who that is...and I didn't get to this place over night, so like my weight I won't fix it over night. If I can accept that, I can and will move forward.

Where is your "life journey" taking you, look inside of yourself today, and do an inventory....see, just see how you fair.